Pink or Blue: Either will do!

I know I had told people that I was taking a break from TTC to lose weight and get school out of the way, but I figured since the TTC community has been so supportive I’d take a stab at a weight loss blog.  So without further adieu: http://trying2getout.tumblr.com/

Just please be patient with me as I try to figure out the issue I’m having getting the blog posts to post on my facebook page… you may see a lot of “Testing Testing 1-2-3’s” while I figure it out. 

Thanks  for the replies.  I am not leaving tumblr forever I’m just taking a break.  It’s too heartbreaking to keep up with TTCers.  I feel sad when someone other than me gets thier BFP knowing that for so many reasons I need to take a break altogether.  It also breaks my heart when you get a BFN or get your BFP and suffer a loss.  I’m not in a space where I can handle the emotions that TTC or the TTC community gives me.  I put these goals in place so I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and know I’m still working on getting there, eventually.  If I reach my two goals and still don’t feel ready then I can choose at that time to continue moving forward.  

As is we don’t have the money for college, living, and the TTC treatments.  It’s frusterating to know that getting pregnant is so much more expensive than actually being pregnant.  We need to become financially secure enough to afford the expensive treatments before I TTC again.  In the meantime I also aim to lose weight so it may not even be an issue.  While I am working on those goals I could simply chose the “if it happens it happens” route but I chose the “not at all” route for several reasons.  1) PCOS has reached the painful point.  I’m in constant pain from the cysts, birth control can remove those symptoms while I lose weight to work on the cause of said symptoms.  Simply put I’m tired of being in constant pain.  2) Due to always feeling the cysts I’m constantly worried about a rupture.  I feel like I may be rescuing the possibility to have children one day by not risking losing one, or both, ovaries to this damn disease.

I also feel the time will be good for my husband and I mentally to recover from this loss which has put us both into a serious depression and constant state of stress (neither of which as good when you’re TTC).

I really do hope that when I return I see that most of you  have turned into pregnancy blogs.  As soon as I am mentally prepared to do so, I will return to Tumblr at the very least as a weight-loss blog and as a cheerleader for the amazing women who have helped me along my own (so far failed) journey to pregnancy.

Life has been on fast-forward while slowing to a crawl it seems.  While part of me wonders where the last 6 months have gone, the other part of me feels like each day takes forever to end.  I have been amusing myself by playing this online game called DDTank.  There’s nothing eventful that I want to share.  My husband and I are trying to recover from a devastating loss (no, I don’t want to talk about it).  We’re trying to push ourselves into finishing our associates degrees, dealing with moving, looking for new employment for him, looking for employment for me.  Life is stressful for us right now.  I’ve come to a decision.  I am officially giving up on TTC for a while.  I’m going on birth control until 2 things happen.  1) we are both done with our associates so we can both have  our associates so we can better provise for our family, and 2) until I lose 50lbs to try to get this PCOS under control.  The birth control can get rid of the symptoms of PCOS so it doesn’t hurt and hopefully losing 50lbs will make it so the PCOS isn’t such a problem.  Ive already lost 60, I’m hoping another 50 helps.  In the meantime I wish all of you TTCers good luck.

and as I typed up my last entry he’s across the bed from my typing on the laptop with her and laughing.  no sure what they’re saying but one would think he’d give some sort of shit that he really hurt and betrayed me on this.

I don’t know what else to title this.  Weight has been a big part of my life, almost all my life.  And while most people blame their parents for their own shit.. I really honestly do blame my mother for my issues.

My sister was thing, beautiful, and popular.  When my sister was 16 my mother got pregnant with me by surprise.  By then my sister had a serious BF, and they ran off to live together. Shortly after, my sister was pregnant, on welfare, and not living a promising life at all.  I think, maybe, my mom subconciously blamed my sisters appearance for her troubles.

I remember being little, and being so full my stomach hurt.  My mom would still continue to force me to eat.  By 1st grade I was the biggest student in my grade.  My mom would continue to force feed me until I was around 12 years old.  By then, my stomach was like a gaping hole that could never be filled.  I was ALWAYS hungry.

My periods never were regular.  Ever.  I did manage a few pregnancies in my life (each one resulting in a loss), but my weight was making my PCOS worse, and my PCOS was making my weight worse.  Until, well, here I am today.

My mom is what head-doctors call  a “feeder.”  Instead of fattening up her spouse, she was fattening up her child.  She would deny to EVERYONE I had a weight problem (to the point of arguing with the doctors about this).  Today, I am trying to correct a lifetime of bad eating habits.  I have lost around 60lbs.

But I am still obese.  When I look in a mirror all I see is fat, and pimples (from the PCOS), and un-normal hair (again, from PCOS).  I do have some “real life” internet sites (like facebook) where I’ll have some pictures.  This is for people who know me in real life.  I will NEVER post a picture of myself on this tumblr until I am a healthy weight.  I will not let people see pictures of me on any social sites where I go to hang out.  

Lately I have been playing this game called DDTank, and I have actually made some friends on it.  My husband and I met this really cool couple, and the girl in the couple and I get along really well.  We joke around, and talk, and or course play the game together.  Today my husband blurred the lines of my comfort by sending her to his real life facebook site, adding her as a friend so she can see pictures of him and I.

When I am on DDTank I am my personality on the screen (By my words in the chat).  I am WHO I AM INSIDE (much like my tumblr).  I am not a morbidly obese woman with zits, body hair, and strechmarks.  I am simply “Gwen” to those who know my real name or “Lucia” to people who only see my game avatar.  When I am on tumblr I am a woman who suffers infertility issues who seeks support from women who share in my frusterations.  I am not the THING I see in the mirror or in those damn pictures.  I am a PERSON with PERSONALITY.. Not an over-expanded body.

I first got pissed, then cried, then had to leave the game out of embarasment.  Not only because she saw my pictures, but because my asshole-loudmouth husband had to tell her I was upset about it and crying and she was trying to tell me I looked pretty and thin (I am NOT stupid, and no I am not over-exaduratng like most girls in the real world do.  I am clinically morbidly-obese).  I scoffed, shook my head, laughed, kept crying, and logged off.  TGhen I came running here, still crying, to vent.

If there are typos I am sorry I can’t see.  It’s really blurry.  I just don’t understand WHY he would do this when he KNOWS I keep my pivcs away from the places I’m TRUELY myself so I can really BE myself instead of what I look like.  He KNOWS how I feel about my appearance.  And he KNOWS I dont want people seeing my pictures.  Fuck my life.

ever feel like everything was designed to give you a hard time?  starting with in-law problems that I just can’t get into.  Then we start planning a move with some friends.  then TTC stuff starts really getting to me.  Either I find myself staring at babies wishing I had one, to be treated like the next kidnapper or I’m in one of my “I don’t want to look at anything baby” phases where I want to look anywhere but a pregnant lady, a stroller, or the newborn some mom is sowing off to everyone at the grocery store (I seriously wish I was kidding).  AND.. when I don’t dote on the precious baby’s amazing curls or cute little dimples (like everyone else who has a newborn practically thrust in their face by an excited new mom) and turn my attention instead to my grocery cart.. I’m a cold-hearted bitch.

YES.  I am having a bitter moment.  Damn it.. I think I’m allowed.  SOOOO many people who should have NEVER been allowed entry to the gene pool are creating offspring and I have been trying for FOUR FUCKING YEARS, but I’m apparently supposed to be happy because SOMEONE is bringing a life into the world.  Great, fuck you too.

Today I have had a woman make it clear her intention is to steal my husband.  He laughs over how pathetic she is, but I wonder how long he’ll keep laughing before realizing this oven is out of service.. and start browsing for an UNBROKEN model.  I’m trying to get these damn lose ends tied up so I can get out of this damn hell hole.  And today one of the friends I was moving with informs me that if certain things go a certain way.. she now wants her own place instead of getting the place we were supposed to get together when we move.

GREAT.  So you’ll have you’re own place.  Wonderful.  Wasn’t the  purpose of us all getting a place a TEMPORARY solution until everyone can get on their feet in the new state/city/however you want to view it?

Basically.. we cannot afford to move on our own.  If things go this way, we can ether choose to be homeless where we’re at (we’ve already given up our home here because we thought things were set in stone) or we can move our shit into a storage unit there and be homeless there and hope to get situated as soon as fucking possible.  Fuck it.  I should have fucking known better.

She’s afraid that if we got a place together it would become permanent. She’s afraid she wouldn’t have her own space (despite having her own room, and us being in a place where none of the other people involved would want to send much time in the house).  Whatever.  I should have fucking learned by now.  I really really should have.  I’ve been fucked over by almost everyone I fucking know.. Why should this be any fucking different?

I guess Monday I’ll have to try to save this P.O.S apartment and accept I’m not fucking getting out.  Every time we save anything some emergency will pop up (it always does) and we’ll be SOL again.  FUCK!

livingformeandmimi:

People cry not because they are weak but because they have been strong for too long.
-FB status of an old friend from HS

I needed to see this today. I haven’t been able to stop crying since yesterday. I’ve been embarrassed because I’m normally so strong and compared to what some of my other friends are going thru, this seems silly. But, I need to cry and it’s ok. I can cry and still be strong!